2/6/10

525, 600 minutes.

How did I find the strength within me to go a full year without you by my side. How do I even find the words to explain how i'm feeling at this very moment? Because last year this day this very day you slipped away from me. It was the last day I heard your voice.. the last day I seen your face. It was the last day anything ever made sense to me. How can you THINK that by leaving me i'd be okay? I made the chose it was all my fault. I seen you hooked up to all these machines.. you were unable to breathe on your own.. you were in so much pain I had to tell them that enough was enough. But everyday I regret the decision I made. WHAT IFS cross my mind every single day. What if it was just pain temporarily? What if you could have got better but I took that chance away? I couldn't bare to see you in that pain so please understand that and forgive me if I took any chance away from you. But it haunts me everyday. People don't understand that losing your mother is the worst loss someone can face. They continuously tell me “its gonna be okay.. it'll get better over time” but no it wont. It never will. The pain will forever linger and never go away. Some days its stronger then others but its there every single day. I still feel you within me and I believe your by my side when I'm faced with tough situations. I know holding regrets is only gonna make everything worse and you shouldn't do it but I do. I regret so much! I regret having the chance to forgive you the right way. Everyone deserves seconds chances and in your case I should have known to give you as many chances as you needed because I knew the choices you made and chose to live with where gonna come back to you.

You've hurt me to a point where I was in unbearable pain from how hard I was crying to find it in me to forgive you. Like how am I suppose to feel? My whole life living with you has been nothing but pain. You chose drugs over your own daughter and left me with my father who was nothing but abusive and you KNEW IT. I grew up so fucked up with so much pain and anger within me all because you felt the need that your addiction was more important than your only child. What did I do to be pushed away? But all I ever wanted was you to love me unconditionally that's all. I never asked for anything else but to feel the love of my own mother and the only time I ever felt that was with you on your death bed. When every wrong decision you made was staring back at you.. That was the only time you understood all the wrong you have done and how much you hurt me. I remember EVERYTHING you have ever done to leave a bruise on my heart and as much as I want to just push it aside I can't.. I just can't. As sad as it is for me to say...... I would let you do it all over again just to have you in my life. I would stand on the line and let you burn me over and over again if that would mean you'd be around and not even physically in my life because you never were but just having the thought of you around is enough. I can't even write no more...

It's been a year.
You're gone and never coming back.
I love you...............

2 comments:

  1. I read this post and was bought to tears, you see I know exactly how you feel, I lost my mother too and I agree there is no pain, lost, hurt quite like losing your mother. I commend you for sharing this open wound with your readers. My story is a little different being that my moms and me were extremely close but none the less the pain is real and although it will be 9 years this April it seems like yesterday, the pain lingers and yes I can say it will ALWAYS hurt and you will always long for her but I can say it does get easier, you will be able to smile instead of cry at the thought of her, Just have to remember that you will meet again, that's what keeps me going... Also a bit of advice the best thing you can do for yourself is forgive her, you wont be able to feel better until let go and just forgive her for everything. I promise you it does get easier, just know I'm always here, as someone who can understand and relate! love you girl!

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  2. thank mama :)
    it's good to hear that coming from someone who actually understands. i'm trying so hard on the forgiveness part but i know it's gonna take alot of time but over that time it should happen. but we both should keep our mothers in our memories and let them live through us. i love you too girll <3

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