12/16/09

baby what hurts the most.

A lots been happening lately and I’ve really been reflecting on the past year. Considering the years almost over its natural to jus think of what happened, what changed.. You know? And I have to say that the past year has been the hardest for me. My mom passed away early February and it tore me apart. Everyone told me that as times passed the pain will ease off of me but of course it’s almost a year and I hurt even more then I did then. Its not that she wasn’t absent my entire life because she left me when I was just a baby and she chose her demons over me and every day of my life I hated her for it. I blamed her for every thing that went wrong with me. But all I really wanted was for her to be there.. For her to love me. I never understood what I did for her to leave me or for her to put her demons before me. It takes away from my self worth and that’s one of the main reason I feel I’m just not good enough. You know? I wasn’t wanted by the 2 who created me so why would I feel wanted by any one else? This is the main reason why I just want to be loved. BUT the exact same reason when something happens I close up so easily and for so long. The day my mom passed away I was changed forever & I blamed myself for so long because it was up to me to pull the plug and I just cant help to think what if I waited? You never know what could have happened.

With this happening at the beginning of the year just set the bar high for nothing but pain all year.. Which was kind of true. I did end up falling in love and meeting the man of my dreams. Which I’m completely thankful and grateful for because without him I wouldn’t have had the strength to make it to this day. He’s been there to pull me out of times when I just felt like giving up and was there to give me that extra push I need to keep it moving. Even though right now everything’s a mess and nothings right I love him most of all and I always will. I could never see myself turning my back on someone who’s been nothing but a positive influence for me. I hope he knows I won’t ever stop loving him and I will never forget all that’s he’s done for me. I love you. I really wasn’t trying to turn this into a sad blog post or anything OR I wasn’t tryna point out the year cause i plan to do that closer to the new year so all I’m trying to do right now is have the last few weeks of 2009 to be good ones.. Maybe?

2 comments:

  1. aw. don't be sad love. everything happens for a reason. I'm here if you need me ♥

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