11/25/09

so unhappy but safe as could be

For as long as I can remember I’ve built up every emotion that would make me “look” or “seem” weak in any type of way. If I was feeling completely numb and almost like I couldn’t breathe I’d suck it all up hold my chin high and smile. This has always been my way of dealing with things I’d never sit there and put my heart on the line for anyone not even myself. I constantly drown myself in other things to try and take my mind of thinking or analyzing and realizing just how bad I really am. I can admit that I’ve been in denial for many years. I’m somewhat bi-polar but only I see both sides. To the world I’m a person who is happy who’s completely untouchable like I’m walking on the shoulders of a giant. But to me it’s the complete opposite I’m completely broken inside.. Bruised right down to the core. Can I really admit that? I mean I put a smile on my face everyday and face the world like everything is okay but it’s only a matter of time before I have a complete meltdown and I really believe I’m on the verge of that happening.

What do I do? I guess I have 1 of 2 things. The first one being that I can face my “problems” and deal with it all now BUT how do I face the fact that I’ve been holding in all this depression for years? I don’t see that being physically possible.. I seriously don’t. TWO I can continue doing what I’m doing now and hope that things will fade and I won’t feel the depression as much as I do.. Because don’t get me wrong there are times where I feel great but when it’s bad its real bad. Almost unbearable. Until I figure out what I need to do I’ll continue to push myself to do everything BUT accept what’s in front of me. If that takes doing everything and anything to drain myself until I get to the point where it hurts to think so be it. I guess that brings me back to my title: so unhappy but safe as could be.

4 comments:

  1. story of my life... i always put a smile on my face and act like everything is ok.. when deep down it isn't you said it best when you said "so unhappy but safe as could be." i always say i'm constantly smiling & pushing through every struggle.. this is one hell of a struggle right now..

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  2. aw. this story is sad. I'm sorry to hear that Keys. I hope everything works out for you. I know sometimes we feel like giving up BUT there's always a light at the end of the tunnel!

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  3. jeez i know how you feel on a 120% note. its like 1 sec your up high happy and the next you wanna scream or cry. for me im always picking my body apart and hating how im turning out looks wise and how ive made so many mistakes and it dont seem to get better but then im always tryna tell myself SOMEONE got it worse then me....thas my motivation i guess...some strangers misery =/

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  4. tell me ab out it jasmine! jeez!

    thanks elizabeth i jsut hope my lights not burnt out :[

    bb, thats the worst part.. i learnt i can't compare my shit to others cause everyones worst is their worst. but whatever gets you through the day <3

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