11/5/09

happily depressed?

I was taking a CPR training program and today I was certified by the heart & stroke foundation which I think is amazing. It’s not like that little hour class you do in high school it’s actually monitored and taught by the leading company in Canada. Its just crazy to think that if I ended up in a situation I now know the steps to take to save a persons life and do it right cause believe it or not you cant just dive in and save someone you can actually do more damage not knowing what your doing. That’s no problem for me now. Next week my actual classes start and they still don’t have the schedules so going in on Monday I’m gonna have to be running around tryna find out where to go ( greeeeeeaaaatttt! ) also I’m gonna HAVE to do something about work because school is going to be hectic with all the reading.. Exams.. Papers and assignments I’m gonna have to work on there’s no way coming home at 1AM I’m gonna get anything done. I have no clue how my schedule can possibly change anymore.. But meh idk.

I’ve been doing a lot to try and better myself and hold myself together and I’m actually doing pretty good. Okay I’m lying I basically find a way to drown myself in a bunch of stuff so I have no time to think about how I’m feeling inside. Which means I’m happy? Haha I mean whatever gets you through the day. I have no time to break down I have to be strong to get myself through life. I can’t put everything I need to get done on hold because I’m depressed no I can’t do that... I have to do what it takes to take my mind off it to deal with what I NEED to then maybe just maybe go back to what hurts?

Tomorrow marks 9months since my mom passed away and everything is still so fresh. I still hurt as if it just happened. I still feel the exact pains I felt when it first happened. Everyone tells me “it takes time.. You’ll get over it” but time has passed .. And I’m still the same way if not worse because having to live without knowing she’s here is the worst pain I can feel and I have to feel that every single day. Everyday I miss her more and wish that there was something else I could have done other then ...................................
Sigh.

7 comments:

  1. Damn. it seems like so much is going through your head right now.. thats how i have been feeling lately but i have been trying to stay busy so i won't think about any of it but i still sometimes find myself thinking about it.. on another note i'm sorry about your loss. i can't imagine losing my mother i would go crazy but i know that time will come one day (God forbid)... but just as i can't imagine losing my mom i couldn't imagine losing my Grand mother either she was like my 2nd mother and she passed away in 2003. it still hurts to the core not having her around and ever since she's been gone i despies any holiday that involves families coming together such as christmas & thanksgiving because it's just isn't the same without her and her birthday is Dec 24th so i get super depressed around christmas time because i'm just thinking about her and wishing she was here.. but i know she's in a better place and isn't in pain anymore i guess it's me being selfish because i WANT her around. that wound isn't even fresh anymore but it still hurts to touch =/

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  2. im sorry for your loss also mama. and thank you its nice to kow someone somewhat understands how im feeling. isnt it crazy how fresh the wounds feel? and being 3 years and it still hurts as bad i cant imagine. they both are no longer in pain and im gratefull for that but i dont thiink its selfish of us to want the ones we love most with us :( in time all heals they say i guess we should just wait for that time to come :(

    ps. i added you to my blogroll

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  3. I'm so sorry you feel that way keys. i know it's hard. my best friend/boyfriend is going to make a year this month that he passed and i don't even know how i'm going to handle that. i hope your strong although i know it's tremendously hard.

    congratulations on the cpr course. i think thats awesome!

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  4. praying fOr you always you will definitely get through!!!! be strong!!!!

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  5. Thanks love! and yes it's really crazy how fresh the wounds are and it's been so long. when i'm going through it, missing her i just have to go to the cemetary to visit.. idk what it is.. but in due time it will heal. i will never forget her and i know she's watching over me i feel her spirit around me everyday.

    ps: I'm adding you to mines too mama <3

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  6. hey love. I've awarded you! go to my blog and accept the award.

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  7. hey keys! i nominated you for an award!! go to my blog to accept!

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