10/1/09

at the end of the day you cant regret it if you were trying

I smoke and I drink and every time I blink I have a tiny dream.
But as bad as I am I’m proud of the fact that I’m worse than I seem.


Basically that sums up everything about me.Its Thursday 9:30AM and I’m hung the FUCK over. Okay? I know drinking on a Wednesday. Well life is very shitty and fucked up. I’m not afraid to admit that I drink to hide my emotions. That in my eyes being completely wasted any given night is better than feeling all the hurt. Am I running from my problems? Sometimes.. I know it’s not good. The thing with me is I can admit to the fact that I handle everything wrong and I know it’s only a matter of time before there’s nowhere else to run to.. Then what? Who knows cause ill cross that bridge when I get to it. But I know Id rather feel completely numb and not have to think about all that’s hurting me and crash & burn in the end. Nobody seems to understand and it gets really annoying especially when I have to explain to someone although I honestly have no reason to explain to ANYONE. I hate when people throw my drinking in my face “oh you’re an alcoholic.. You drink too much” wtf? I know I drink too much but am I an alcoholic? FUCK NO. And it’s always the people who have no right to judge anyone. When someone looks at you and calls you an alcoholic for doing something that helps you deal with your pain.. It literally breaks you. I’ve done way worse to deal with my pain and I’m trying REALLY hard not to get back into it but it calls my name and last night I kind of touched on it. I told myself ill never go back there and normally I’d be mad at myself but I’m not.. Nope not at all actually.

I’m really tired of everyone around me and I get like this a lot. I become very secluded and don’t reach out to anyone. Ill literally sit in my room all day all night. Barely eat and only leave to use the washroom. I just find things so much better when I’m alone. I’m the only one who understands anything that goes on in my head and I’m the type of person if I’m explaining what I’m dealing with or what I’m thinking and you look at me a certain way to the point where I feel judged ( which is literally every sing time, hence why I keep to myself ) I immediately stop and become silent. That’s the biggest reason why I don’t speak on how I’m feeling. It’s the worst thing in the world when you actually want someone next to you to tell you your okay.. But when you explain they just don’t understand or they judge you. So I don’t even bother. I’ve always been the type to give off the vibe that I’m a really strong person I mean I have a really solid & strong exterior and that’s what I use to fool everyone but on the inside It’s an ongoing battle and I’m losing. I’m so broken down.. Worn out.. Torn.. Tired.. Everything I just have no strength no more. I have no one to blame for myself because I hold everything in. I still feeling pain from when I was a young girl. Nothing every goes away. The pain just builds up so when I hurt .. I hurt that much more.


Dear Keyshia,
Love yourself. You are amazing beautiful and very strong willed. From the beginning we’ve been together and we always will be. I will never let you down and even though you may over look me sometimes I’ll always be there. I’m that tiny voice telling you don’t let go. I’m the little bit of hope when your on the edge and you’re able to go deeper but you pull back. I’m the reason you still find it in yourself to get up every morning. For every time you’re knocked down I pick you right back up. We’ve been through hell and back with each other and I never once bailed on you. It’s hard to believe that you still have me in you because when things are bad they are real bad. But breath baby just breathe. Give yourself some time. I’m here for you. You need no one but yourself to make you feel good or to make you feel worth something. You’re beautiful.. Your worth so much more than anything known. You have a heart of gold and a lot of people take advantage of it. Don’t worry in the end everything will come back to you 10 fold. I’m here for you just dig a little bit deeper and let me rise up and help you. I’m here.. I’m here

Love, Your Inner Strength.

5 comments:

  1. I would but I love my little one so much. I don't even let her dad take her!

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  2. I can def. relate to this in so many ways. your inner strength is right, you are worth so much more. in due time everything will fall in place. keep fighting & pushing through every stuggle. you got it babygirl!

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  3. wow its like the person you wrote about was my old me...its interesting how in the world we can have the same exact emotions. All i can say is keep the faith and dont give up lean on God now in your hour of need i'm telling you he is always there and waiting for you to reach out to him let him comfort you like no other...your looking for something that can only be found in him. Be encouraged!!!

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  4. hah shes jsut way adorable elizabeth! and you can tell you love her ALOT.

    thank you im gonna keep pushing no matte rhow hard it is. i wont stop.

    isn't it amazing? good or bad jsut knowing that at one point in time there was someone feeling jsut like you? i think its amazing.
    thnak you ALOT !

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