525, 600 minutes.

How did I find the strength within me to go a full year without you by my side. How do I even find the words to explain how i'm feeling at this very moment? Because last year this day this very day you slipped away from me. It was the last day I heard your voice.. the last day I seen your face. It was the last day anything ever made sense to me. How can you THINK that by leaving me i'd be okay? I made the chose it was all my fault. I seen you hooked up to all these machines.. you were unable to breathe on your own.. you were in so much pain I had to tell them that enough was enough. But everyday I regret the decision I made. WHAT IFS cross my mind every single day. What if it was just pain temporarily? What if you could have got better but I took that chance away? I couldn't bare to see you in that pain so please understand that and forgive me if I took any chance away from you. But it haunts me everyday. People don't understand that losing your mother is the worst loss someone can face. They continuously tell me “its gonna be okay.. it'll get better over time” but no it wont. It never will. The pain will forever linger and never go away. Some days its stronger then others but its there every single day. I still feel you within me and I believe your by my side when I'm faced with tough situations. I know holding regrets is only gonna make everything worse and you shouldn't do it but I do. I regret so much! I regret having the chance to forgive you the right way. Everyone deserves seconds chances and in your case I should have known to give you as many chances as you needed because I knew the choices you made and chose to live with where gonna come back to you.

You've hurt me to a point where I was in unbearable pain from how hard I was crying to find it in me to forgive you. Like how am I suppose to feel? My whole life living with you has been nothing but pain. You chose drugs over your own daughter and left me with my father who was nothing but abusive and you KNEW IT. I grew up so fucked up with so much pain and anger within me all because you felt the need that your addiction was more important than your only child. What did I do to be pushed away? But all I ever wanted was you to love me unconditionally that's all. I never asked for anything else but to feel the love of my own mother and the only time I ever felt that was with you on your death bed. When every wrong decision you made was staring back at you.. That was the only time you understood all the wrong you have done and how much you hurt me. I remember EVERYTHING you have ever done to leave a bruise on my heart and as much as I want to just push it aside I can't.. I just can't. As sad as it is for me to say...... I would let you do it all over again just to have you in my life. I would stand on the line and let you burn me over and over again if that would mean you'd be around and not even physically in my life because you never were but just having the thought of you around is enough. I can't even write no more...

It's been a year.
You're gone and never coming back.
I love you...............

A-Z of me.

tagged by lala

A - AVAILABLE: nope! madly in love.
B - BIRTHDAY: july 2nd.
C - CRUSHING ON: sugar lumps!
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: ginger ale.
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: boyfraan sugar lumps! of course
F - FAVORITE SONG : too many to name
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: wormsss
H - HOMETOWN: kingston, JAMAICA
I - IN LOVE WITH: boyfraan aka sugar lumps aka DELL.
J - JUGGLE: faaaaail.
K - KILLED SOMEONE: wouldn't you like to know ;)
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: uhhh idk.
M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: vanilla
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 3 ( that i consider )
O - ONE WISH: to hug.. seee.. touch.. speak to her one last time......
P - PERSON YOU TALKED TO LAST: alisha.
R - REASON TO SMILE: boyfraaan
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: wait till you see my smile
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 915AM
U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: black
W - WORST HABIT: caring TOO much.
X - X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: oh man.. TOO many.
Y - YOYOS: pass.
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: cancer
i tag you all :]

PS,
i added some links to the sidebar AND also i made a formspring.. late i know :] but better late then never right? anywho .. ask away!
http://www.formspring.me/amorkeys

here's to good eats

I'm finally tacking my biggest problem which is eating unhealthy. Considering the fact that its so convenient to grab a burger and go or a bag of chips makes it hard especially if your always on the go. Not only from this am I feeling like shit at the end of the day with absolutely no energy but I AM gaining weight. Don't get me wrong I'm not a diet or anything like that I'm just completely changing my eating habits to feel better. I ate burger king about 2 days ago and got a touch of food poisoning I shouldn't even say a touch considering it had me hugging the toilet all night and in unbearable pain. I was recommended to drink nothing but clear fluids and when my body can handle those fine to move on to small food like bread.. rice.. etc. what else is new right? Always something going wrong ! But then again all the more reason to start my healthy shit. Anyways I went grocery shopping yesterday and spent a total of $32 but really got my moneys worth considering buying healthy is kinda expensive. I just got the basics but I'll be buying little buy little :] the main thing I'm gonna love about eating healthy is the fact that you just feel so much cleaner and better! So anyways here I goooooo! :]


[ apple juice . salad dressing .buns . pita bread . lettuce . cauliflower . pears . apples . tomatoes . carrots . cucumber . broccoli . garlic . jello . turkey meat . croutons . thin crackers . special k bars . and a roast! ]

he say i'm bad… he prolly riiiightttt.

Man it doesn’t take a lot for me to become real “secluded” if that’s what you wanna call it? Its not that I sit around and try and get sympathy from people cause that’s the last thing I do but if I think you SHOULD care about how im feeling or whatever and you show no interest im not gonna sit around and beg you to do so. It should come natural. I mean when you care about someone their health and well being should be somewhat a concern of yours. But it takes NOTHING for me to just hold back from people its so easy I’ve been doing it for way to long.. and its always when you pull back is when they instantly become interested nahhh life doesn’t work like that. Heres me saying basically I’m back to my “ I need to worry about me, myself and I ” because theres no one that’s gonna care for myself like I would. I really don’t need the approval of anyone in the choices I make so regardless my nonchalant attitude is what im rolling with these days and im sure people around me have noticed. I just don’t give a fuck no more mannnn and its working!

I got real sick the past weekend and had to go to the hospital considering I kept puking. While I had to have that activated carbon because the medication I was under had a bad reaction on my body so immediate discontinued use was needed! Of course but I was in serious pain because I couldn’t take no pills :] ANYWAYS I seen my family doctor today and he gave me a referral to a specialist which I what I need to get down to the root problem. I suffer server migraines and my doctor always prescribes me medication because over the counter shit doesn’t work so here I am with T3’S hhmmm.. LOL I mean these shit have you feeling like a million bucks like your flying HIGH as hell considering the fact it has some serious codeine in it. This shit is ADDICTIVE as hell for that exact reason. Well well just say I’ll be feeling good as hell the next few weeks :] haha.

he said he's never seen someone so lost

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two goals - one month :]

i was tagged by my baby girl Briana for the Monthly Goal Challenge. Which is a challenge where you set 2 goals that you wish to complete by the end of the month. And you know do the whole follow up post, tag your friends.. all that jazz. Anyways this is just what I need because ei have a few things in mind that I know I need to get done but I keep putting them off because its too much at once. So heres something that’s perfect for me :]
( i tag anyone who has goals they wanna reach ! )

Goal #1: eat healthy ( like complety healthy - :[ this is gonna be hardddddddd )
Goal #2: complete my room.

Boyfriend TakeOver (Get Better Baby...)

I Love You Baby...Get Better For Me Mama..When u came home i was so sleepy and you told me you werent feeling well..i woke up at 12am to your loud snoring.anyway baby get better and give me a kiss when you wake.

~022909~